Loo’s of London

Once again I was at a conference in a very well known location for those in the insurance industry – Lloyd’s of London. The iconic building on this occasion gave me a prison break type feeling.

After going through a round of security at the entrance to get to the conference, I needed my morning crack (I mean, break) before we got started.

I can’t remember which floor I was on but I’m assuming they were all the same. These toilets were very prison like.
There were 20 cubicles in a row, next to 20 sinks in a row, next to 20 urinals in a row.

I couldn’t believe that people dressed in suits and ties actually work here every day. I’d expect the users to be chained up and cuffed.

The walls were made of aluminium with no attempt to paint over the raw aluminium dull silver. The floor was a beige tiled floor with black grouting.

I went into the aluminium cubicle which obviously was freezing cold and gave the seat a wipe. Surrounded by metal sheets all I could think about was how long I could make the prison guard wait before he used his truncheon to bang on my cubicle door and hurry me up.

I seriously couldn’t have likened it to anything else. And the worst thing is they even put the toilet roll in prison. This stupid toilet roll dispenser was impossible to use. My hand was being cut up by the razors they’d installed to punish the prisoners when they reached for the tissue because there was such a small hole to reach up into.
Poor little toilet roll.. straight from prison to death row. What a sad life.

The only thing that would make you believe you were in the Lloyd’s of London was the auto shoe polish machine with 4 different types of buffers by the sink. I gave my shoes a better clean than I did my ass.

Rating: Lloyd’s of London – 2 Stars

Lloyd's insurance exterior at night.jpg

Queuebical!

I’ve witnessed the British public’s passion for queuing for many years. And as a British person, I’m proud of my queuing.

Over the years I’ve been able to stroll into the men’s, do my business and walk out again whilst my female companion (wife, friend, mother …) is still queuing with her legs crossed.

If they’re doing a number 1, it really shouldn’t take that much longer than it does for a man. They may have to remove some additional items of clothing but there are more cubicles in the ladies room than there are in the men’s. Generally speaking they will have as many cubicles as we would have cubicles + urinals.

So are all these women doing a number 2? Probably not.

Why is it taking them so long? Cleaning. Women clean toilets every time they go for a wee. And I can understand that. The worst part of my visit to a public toilet is the cleaning. It takes most of my time.

The only time a woman will be out of the toilet before a man is when the toilet is uncleanworthy. At this point she hovers…and hovering really tests the legs!

But be advised… there is one exception to the above common rules of queuing.

I’ve often had to travel up and down the country by car. Sometimes leaving so early it’s still dark. At which point I need to stop off and go about my daily routine at 9 o’clock (ish). So I stop off at motorway services.

Between the hours of 8 and 10 every morning, at every motorway services (possibly in the world) you will witness something that will shock you. A natural disaster. Yes that’s right, you will see men queuing for the cubicles.

I’m telling you, not only my body explodes at that time of the morning.  Every time I join that queue I can hear the words… Rectum one… WinningthePooh nil.

Image result for british people queuing

So Sof(i)t(el) Loo Roll

On my way to another conference, this time on the famous Pall Mall, London.

I’m about 30mins early and as I approach the Institute that I’m visiting I pass a So Sofitel on Pall Mall. Now at this point I already knew that I needed to do a number 2. Could I have held it through the next 3 hour conference? Probably not. Could I have held it another 30mins and used the facilities of the venue I was due to attend. Yes.

But who wants to use toilets in a venue where you’re suppose to be networking. I hate the awkwardness of it all. I just want to shit in peace! Without people around me. I’ll be honest, some of the ratings I’ll be giving my experiences are also based on how busy the toilets are.

Anyway, The So Sofitel – In a previous job I was visiting a lot of Hotels for business meetings. The hotels in London have great washrooms and I knew the So Sofitel would just be So…. Soft!

As I headed towards the grand entrance I noticed a doorman with his fancy uniform and top hat. I prepared my smile and tried to look through the revolving door glass so I would know where the reception. By this stage I knew I was going to have to blag my way in.

I’m suited and booted, business smart and that was the problem. Of course this doorman wants to ask me where I need to be or if I was meeting anyone in particular. If I said my bum had a 10am appointment with the toilet seat he wouldn’t have laughed.

The blag – I said I was meeting a colleague here. “OK sir. Are you meeting him in the restaurant, the bar or the reception?”

Now the doorman is trying to earn his wages. I let him know that I will wait in reception and call my colleague as I continue to walk past him and into the middle of the lobby where the sofa’s are placed. I sat down for a minute, waited for the doorman to return to the door and start interrogating the next gentleman that walked through the door.

Then I sprinted! I found a corridor whilst the doorman’s back was turned and I didn’t look back. I found the lifts, I found the door to the ground floor rooms and then I found the toilets.

This time, I’d actually worked for my shit. There was adrenaline pumping through me as I tried to under-do my belt. Yet again, another clean London Hotel toilet – all for me!

I noticed the last sheet on the loo roll had been folded into a triangle shape. Its a sign. This tells me that the last person to have been in this cubicle was a cleaner. Perfect…Only a quick wipe of the seat needed.

My heart rate returned to normal just as I’d finished. The toilets were luxurious and no one else entered whilst I was there.

Now to think of the exit strategy. As I walked towards the revolving door and the nosey doorman I held my phone to my ear and said “that’s ok if you’re running late, I’ll come and meet you at the station instead” and walked past the doorman and out into the open.

I’d pulled it off!! Now that’s what I call a clean flush!

Rating: So Sofitel, Pall Mall London – 4 Stars

Related image

London to Bangkok (part 2)

Bangkok is a great place if you’re able to take it in. But as with many Asian countries you will either find 7 star luxury services or absolute through the floor crap.

For some strange reason, even when we spend 10 hours on a plane, with toilets, we feel the need to use the toilet in baggage hall.

With my daily toilet routine out the window, my body reacting to altitude and the standard microwaved aeroplane food, I was ready to go again even before we got through passport control.

I wasn’t expecting BLOC hotel standard, but I didn’t expect the smell to reach me before I even got into these toilets.

Funnily enough there was a airport cleaning services worker mopping the floor as I entered… but it still smelt like there was piss everywhere. And that it had been there for days! Was the cleaner dipping his mop into a bucket of piss? He must’ve been!

I’m not going to ruin the presentation of this blog by posting a horrible picture of a toilet but what I will say is don’t go if you don’t need to go. Toilet paper was scarce and already yet(!) Doors just about head height and floor was soaking wet.

But there was an explanation for the wet floor. The Bum Shower!!

My wife and I love to inform each other when we’ve visited a toilet and it had a tiny shower beside the toilet to wash your bum with. On this occasion I wasn’t smiling because I was scared to breath in the smells already in that cubicle and I wasn’t going to touch that shower with a barge pole, but yet again the bum shower wins – it still reminded me that I was in an Asian country where all of the hotels we’ve booked to stay in will have a friendly little bum shower for me 🙂 It took my mind off the smells and wet floor long enough for me to do my business and wipe.

Rating: Bangkok Airport – 2 Star

London to Bangkok (part 1)

Why not start with my first experience of 2018.

A trip to Thailand with the wife and days earlier I was having stomach cramps about the thought of the toilet conditions for the next 10 days.

How did I put my mind at ease? By visiting the nicest airport toilets in the history of UK airports – BLOC Hotel, Gatwick South Terminal!

Now I don’t know what happened here but I’d guess that the airport authority said to BLOC Hotels – “if you want to open a hotel inside our terminal you better fix all the toilets in this place”…and so they did.

Most of my blogs will be about doing a number 2. That’s where the real experience is. But on this case I walked past the urinals which had individual/personal sinks and hand dryers. That’s not been seen as an add on to public urinals ever!

I went into the cubicle and its small black marble effect tiles had me comfortably pooing within seconds. The below image is not from Gatwick South Terminal Toilets…but it’s how they made me feel!

Rating: Gatwick Airport South Terminal – 5 Star

pexels-photo-342800.jpeg

Those who shit together, stay together

Thanks for joining me and welcome to my blog. My job is nothing fascinating but it does require me to be in lots of different places – conferences, client meetings, exhibiting. I have no set routine for work which I love about my job….however, my body is a stickler for routine – particularly toilet routine.

I was completely gobsmacked that only last month I was having a chat with my wife about toilet habits and I learned from her (and then confirmed on Google) that some adults only poo once every 3 days! and that’s normal!

I could happily poo 3 times a day. I’m not a huge guy – about 5’7 and weigh under 80kg but pooing is life.

So I’m starting this blog to give you all something to read whilst on the bog… I’m going to share with you my experiences whilst using the toilet in all the random places I use the toilet. Some funny, some not. Some world class toilets and others not worthy of my ass!

My body wants to explode about 9am every morning. I can usually hold it to about 10am comfortably. But by this time of the morning I could be anywhere from in the Houses of Parliament, on a train or on a toilet somewhere. In the last 7 years I’ve done some things to be able to get on a toilet that you guys wouldn’t be impressed with. Thankfully, I won’t be writing about many of those as I’ve forgotten most and I’m ashamed of the rest.

But, now that I’ve started this blog, I will update you with my latest experiences – and I’ll backdate the last couple of places I’ve been recently to get us started!

Enjoy reading and always feel free to tell me about your experiences!

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money
– WinningThePooh